|Dear God I Almost Wish Rouge and Bleu Could Read This
||[Apr. 12th, 2007|01:12 am]
|||||The sound of the typing and my thoughts||]|
1) This is the longest and most emotionally charged thing I've ever written. If you read it, please please please leave a comment. Feel free to tell me whatever you think of me.
2) If you have any previous knowledge of this situation, ie: you know me, rouge, or bleu, or you are rouge or bleu, bear with me. This is basically a stream of consciousness and it will be harsh at times. This is what I really feel. You can understand and get over it, or you can hate me forever. Your choice.
3) This is real and I am fucking serious about everything I say. I didn't make anything up.
That girl that I mentioned in the previous post? I'm pretty sure I hate her. It's not anything rational either, of course. Else why would I be posting here? The whole community exists to accept insane/irrational thoughts and ramblings. I pretty much hate her because she exists. I'm also very annoyed with the girl that the whole damn thing concerns. To make this not so confusing, we'll call the girl I hate "rouge" and the girl I previously loved(?) and am now annoyed with "bleu".
So many months ago, I met bleu. In fact, I met bleu March 21st, 2006 around 10:30 am. This was at a concert, standing in line. Bear with me though, this was a Dir en grey concert. The first US Dir en grey concert. If you know anything about the fanbase of Japanese rock, you know this was fucking big. So, basically, I much of the time in line, and the entirety of the concert with bleu. We ended up holding hands and such. I had wanted to kiss her before I left, but I'm shy like that. Anyway...we could stay in touch through being lj friends and aim/yahoo. So she soon expresses affection for me, however I am reluctant to return it because of the distance (~600 miles) and probably alterior motives of finding a girl where I lived.
Eventually, though, I had developed a great interest in her, and talking to her on the internet brought me a comforting feeling. I do believe I expressed affection towards her. No, I definitely did. She now denies this. She believes that she had given up on me weeks before I she knew I ever liked her at all. I think this is bullshit that she has made herself believe, because I've gone back and read the goddamn conversations we had from the Trillian log files. As I started to like her more, rouge appeared.
Apparently, rouge and bleu got along well from the beginning. I don't know how they met except that it was through lj. I don't think I had any problem with her, because I probably didn't really pay attention to her. She was an lj friend. Everybody has those. Well, I think it might have been ready to fail, but it was completely destroyed in July. Once again, if you know anything about jrock fans, you know they're bitches. The major lj community for Dir en grey was a subject of controversy because the "nazi mods" and the "immature fans". In reality, they are all immature. Because what happened was, people against the comm and people who had been banned from it joined in their own comm.
They decided it would be brilliant to completely attack the Dir en grey comm for great justice. So they proceeded to spam and insult and throw a little bitch fit at the comm. Well, I thought it was completely inane, so I got really mad. When they had settled down though, the consensus was something like 'oh, we're sorry, we just needed to vent, let's all get along'. This pissed me off even more. So I took the liberty of being childish myself and commented on one of bleu's comments to rouge's posts in the renegade community. It was, of course, filled with harsh and sarcastic and angry words. Well, bleu was offended, and what do you know, rouge comes to her side and they both openly ridicule me.
This led way to me being in an aim chatroom with bleu and rouge. I pretty much got the feeling that I was hated. This almost made me physically sick from the emotional weight the situation carried for me. Well, wouldn't you know it, rouge and bleu are soon 'together'. Of course, the idea of this alone was frustrating, and it started my hate for rouge, mostly because of what she was keeping me from having. And I didn't like her anyway, so that only made it worse.
Well, I started band camp pretty soon after that. A week I think. So I was moving to college and starting a completely new stage of life. I pretty much stopped caring about it and moved along. I don't really remember anything significant that happened in the following months. I didn't talk to her nearly as much. Then hell was wrought once again through the band known as Dir en grey.
A full US tour. Atlanta. This wonderful city was the closest tour date to where I lived, and also the closest to where bleu lived. We both got tickets, in fact I bought hers because by this time it wasn't really a big deal anymore and we were still friends. The tickets went on sale in November, and the concert was on February 3rd.
Come January, we were getting excited about the show, and, me being a jokester, I said something like 'oh we'll be so bored in line, whatever shall we do...'. This was a bad idea. With no regard for her girlfriend, she immediately was excited by the idea of messing around in Atlanta. To the point of sex. I had no complaints, I still had a remaining affection towards her. I also am a male, and as a male, turning down such opportunities is rather difficult, especially if you have no good reason not to go through with it. I did, however, have the common sense to know that it wouldn't happen, and she would soon come back and tell me that she just couldn't do it because of her relationship, and her girlfriend that she 'loves more than anything'.
She did say that the next day. And then you'd think the girl wouldn't make the same mistake. The next. Fucking. Day. We're talking, and the subject slowly starts to creep back in the form of 'we might still be able to mess around a bit...' and out of the blue she says "fuck me". No fucking lie. That's goddamn quoted. I'm too excited by the idea again, and fail to realize that she has no common sense and no regard for anyone else. Can you guess? Yeah, the next day she comes back and says that it's official and she can't do it. She probably asked her fucking girlfriend if she could! Where in hell does she get her logic from?!
At this point I'm pissed because she thinks she can do whatever she wants and her girlfriend won't care or something, and because I've been given an opportunity and had it taken away twice. Well, it shows, and we soon get into an argument about it, and she says that it's so hard on her because she is so fucking sex deprived, but then she just can't betray the girlfriend she loves 'more than life' that lives hundreds of miles away, and I can't possibly know what she has to go through. Oh, and the "guy you used to like, who now claims he likes you (although it's probably only to get in your pants)" part just did it for me. Hell. Fucking. NO. Yo do NOT fucking insult me like that. So, I basically said 'no, I can't know. I don't love anyone and I never have.'. She says "I know". No you don't you stupid bitch. Evidently, with me 'it's easy to tell you don't about anyone other than yourself'. That was it. I left. I only saw a fraction of how selfish she was compared to how much I can see now.
Because my moods change rapidly, I was over it pretty much over it in a few days. And by the week or so before the concert we were completely back to normal. And I 'still owed her a kiss' that I never gave in New York the year before. So. February 3rd, exciting. A 5 hour trip with two friends that were going to do other things while I was at the concert. After wandering around the city trying to find out where we were, we get to our hotel and then my friend drives me to the venue. I got out and found the line, where bleu was already waiting for me.
I was rather excited to both see her and the concert. In fact I was probably more excited to see her, because despite the fact that I had seen some of her character flaws, I simply overlooked them. In fact, I haven't really tried to deal with them in an organized manner until now. We became re-acquainted with each other in real life, and were soon comfortable around each other. We had about a 3 or 4 hour stay in the line. She had started clinging to me a bit and it worked it's way to the long delayed kiss she wanted. I wanted.
It being a social environment, I was in a personable mood, and my normal good mood habits are to tease and joke and be a pervert. So somehow the subject of breasts came up, and I tossed out a hinting 'oh, too bad I've never touched any before...'. "Go ahead". My train of thought ran off a cliff. I never expect a response like that...and though I was slightly shocked, my mind quickly recovered and was not going to pass something like that up. If you are a male or know a male human being, you should realize that when someone offers this, there are very few reasons not to take up on the offer.
I found no such reason. So I did. Up her shirt and under her bra...It was one of the most exciting things ever. More kissing and such afterwards and I even have a picture of us kissing. She has it too. We had fun talking to people in line and drawing on the walls, and the line started moving into the venue. We got in and locked ourselves into fairly good spots in the pit. It was about another 45 minutes before the actual show started, and being packed pretty close together was even so much more enticing.
So I made another hint. 'you know I've never touched one of those either...'. Yes. That. Really, I didn't expect that to be seriously answered either. "Go ahead". Did she really just say that? Yep. Well what the fuck do you think I did? I was even nervous at this point. But the hell if I was giving that up. So I did. I don't know much about those things, but she must have been as horny as I was cause it was pretty damn slippery. My chest felt like it was caving in from my heart beating and breathing. I didn't even do it for very long, it was so nerve wracking.
The show started soon. We pretty much just had fun. Especially in the first two bands, who she didn't really care about. I liked the second one. But during Dir en grey, we really had fun. I guess it felt like I had someone. I made sure she was fine from exhaustion and all that, we danced during a song, we fought viciously over a drumstick against other people, and I carried her halfway back to her parents because her feet hurt. Her dad even liked me, and apparently he doesn't like anyone. He even drove me back to my hotel, as I sat in the back and bleu held my hand where no one they couldn't see.
It would have been better if my throat was slit the second they drove away from my hotel.
In fact, I should have died the moment I heard the name Dir en grey. But I didn't. My feelings for her were great before that day, but afterwards, I had crossed the barrier into love in my mind. It was never purely sexual, not even what happened at the concert. It was as much affectionate as it was sexual at the concert, maybe even more. But some senses kicked back in and I realized I couldn't tell her that. I couldn't do that to her or rouge. I didn't care much for rouge, but as a person, I couldn't do that to another person.
By the time we had gotten back from Atlanta the next day, I had entered hell. There was so much pure anger and darkness I do not even remember now what exactly I went through or did, or when my lowest points were.
I have a theory. The movie 300 put some words to my thoughts, and basically two things control me. Love. and Hate.
I had decided that my love was futile, because of the situation. And as much as I had felt my heart pulled by love, I felt it torn to pieces from the inside with hate. Pure hate. I cannot express in words what pure hate feels like, but I shredded my arm with safety pins and beat it and whipped it with a spiked bracelet and I laughed. I thought it was wonderful. I got mad when blood wouldn't come out. I felt insane and I liked it. I have pictures that I took of my self destructive creativity. They weren't even taken at the worst point. I shed tears while typing this just trying to remember what I felt like.
But it was a roller coaster. Bleu worked it out of me 'well....I think I love you...'. And then she felt torn, and rouge learned of everything and hated me with an undying passion. When I was talking to bleu I could feel the love I had, but the other times, the situation made me sick with depression and anger. I talked to her on the phone that week and spent probably four hours doing so. Her dormant attraction to me had been reawakened and intensified especially because it was being reciprocated. It was so comforting to be in that world.
But she wanted both of us. She wanted rouge and me. Once again, selfish, and frustrating. It selfish because she would go on and say things like 'if you had only said something before'. Yeah. Eight months ago. When I DID fucking say something. Did she not believe me? Did she not care about rouge? 'If only I weren't such a coward I'd say fuck it and let something happen with you'. I can hardly remember the situation anymore. My emotional confusion completely killed my recollection and desire to recollect anything from those about two to three weeks after the concert.
I couldn't deal with something like that. I can't stand to share anyone. At all. I suppose I have rather jealous tendencies. She even asked me she wanted us to be. For me it was friends or being 'together'. Exclusively. I suppose she thought that 'friends with benefits' was a valid option. She was even disappointed when I said just friends. Do you not get it? Do you get anything? You must have a different definition of love, or maybe you know nothing of love yet you think you do. I don't fucking understand anything behind her thinking. Cheating is cheating. You want to encourage it to happen again fully aware of what it implicates? She would still even talk about her and rouge in front of me. 'were gonna be married and such....'.
After those two weeks and some after the concert I had given up on it and pretty much regretted the whole situation. And, like before, I went back to talking to her pretty normally on the internet, because, I mean, I still liked her and kinda wished things were different. But it had calmed down and I just kind of accepted it and was depressed. After a little over a month after the concert I went back home for spring break. There I was completely out of the atmosphere associated with all of that torture, so I think it kind of refreshed me a little.
When I came back I talked to bleu fine on Monday afternoon, but later, I cracked somewhere. I started out just being weird, but as it progressed I just got the desire to be more and more cold and completely blunt and mean. Once I had gotten her mad, mostly by using the word she had used against herself 'whore', I proceeded to imply that all girls were whores. I kept pushing buttons, because I had lost all sense of guilt or care. She told me to fuck off and die, and that I was a bastard that she doesn't know why she ever liked me. We made up two days later, but we started to not talk as much, and by now it's maybe every two or three days we'll have a conversation.
Over that bit of time though, after I had given up sort of, she would make comments that just kind of irked me. Like saying she was totally lesbian or listing men as one of her phobias, and her and rouge saying 'ok, well I guess we won't have any such and such and men in our house' including those items listed in her phobias. Things like that, that I think are bullshit because two months ago she said she would go so much farther than we did if she could. I suppose someone can change that much over that time, but if you've read this whole thing you can probably guess that I think she's flaky and changes her mind to whatever is good for her current situation.
And another thing? Well, the current deal is that in May I happen to be going through the city she lives in. Stopping there, in fact. So I thought that despite what had happened before, and all the residual resentment I have against her and rouge, I should at least meet up with her for lunch and hangout a while. We were talking about it, and she seemed eager, so I figured it's not really a big deal. But I'll be damned if she didn't almost hint at one of my jokes. I told her too. 'don't you start hinting anything'. I also said movies would be fine. She said 'yeah'. She didn't deny hinting anything, so I'm not sure if she really was hinting anything or not. But at this point I wouldn't put it past her.
The residual resentment I mentioned? That is the main reason I am writing this. I realized there was a trigger in my mind associated with thinking about what happened in February. Whenever I think about that whole time period something weird clicks in my mind. It makes me feel uncomfortable, depressed, angry...and it was making me rather reluctant to try to see bleu in May.
And rouge? Okay...she is scared to death of me. She openly expressed in her journal that she hated me, and judged my intentions to my virtual face. She seemed to think, and still seems to think, that I am somehow better than her and that inevitably something is going to happen like it did before. She even said this fairly recently in one of the few conversations I've had with her. And all I can think is 'so you know everything, and you think your relationship is futile and that she will return to me inevitably because you can't trust her as much now. Do you even value your relationship at all? I thought you 'loved' her' It definitely sounded like she didn't trust bleu.
And yet, upon hearing of me seeing her in May, she writes in her journal (she doesn't have the balls to say it to me directly) that I will pay if I so much as lay a hand on bleu. That she trusts bleu with all she is, but can never ever trust me. Because, of course, it was so my idea that I should have sex with bleu in Atlanta though it never happened anyway, and I forced her to makeout with me and let me feel her up and touch her, and I was completely lying about loving her because I was only lusting for her. You fucking cunt. You don't know shit. Either you don't know or you refuse to believe how much your precious angel had to do with EVERYTHING.
My less rational, more internally fabricated reasons for hating rouge stem from what she stands for in my mind. She represents what I can't have. She is what has always been in my way of having what I wanted. And to make it worse, her personality, as I perceive it, is shit. And I don't find her attractive in any way, shape, or form. And yet, bleu keeps getting prettier and prettier. She is the coward who tried to lift herself up with 'Haha, I get the hottie!! You lose!!' that I am fighting against. And yet I can't defeat her because she is intangible. There is so much more I could say, but I only have so many hours of free time. Every little thing builds up. Another item on the list of why I hope you were right. I hope you had it spot on when you said it would happen again, that she would turn to me. I want to see you fail and cry in misery, for your foolishness, and your naivety, and your immature reasonings. And I can sit and watch and smile as I turn into the demon you are to me.
That. That is what boils inside me. That is what runs through my mind when I think of either bleu or rouge. Bleu's immaturity and selfishness and flakiness. Rouge's cowardly controlling attempts, even though she has no fucking clue about the truth. This is why I am mentally unstable. Or maybe you think I'm wrong. I really would love to hear anyone's thoughts on the situation or me, seriously. I know this is very biased at times, but the reason I even wrote it was because I had to put down what I felt and get it out of me.
Well, that's the end I guess. I know nobody will probably ever see this, but if you do, thank you for reading it at least.